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The triumph lasted exactly six months, until the first "Maintenance Assessment" arrived in the mail. It was $1,200.

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He was met at the door by Gary, a man whose teeth were whiter than the fluorescent lights of the lobby. "Arthur! Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!" Gary chirped, steering him toward a cramped office that smelled faintly of old coffee and desperation. The triumph lasted exactly six months, until the